madonna knows

When women do dishes they think of nothing
scraping plates and turning glasses over
with the mysticism of a crystal ball seer


women can become desperate for impact
and fall into the water
dress curling up around us like squid
holding in the breath
till it hurts
and shivering with cold

a folding at the center

i am squishing in the butter
i am kneading bread
and you are in it
the wet smell is where i see you
what else to put in
when you are everything

goodness

My hair is stupid
i want to chop it
like leftover curried vegetables for breakfast.

sometimes i forget that we are supposed to make each other feel good!

they dont care when the macaroniez are like soup
"we have spoons!"
and they eat it then
like the best best best thing theyve ever had

Have you thought about it recently?

Breathing in, you'll feel your shoulder blades move so slightly together as your diaphragm drops, your lungs lift and your neck lengthens. Exhaling, you release the muscles that brought the air in. The rib cage returns from its elevated position, the intercostal muscles relax, and the diaphragm lifts as air pours out of the lungs.

the looking glass

discord swallows whole minutes, whole seconds
this, retreating
when my eyes are in your eyes across the table
i cannot meet you there
ugh.
are we not one person yet!
i need you to help me draw the lines between

trying to see through the looking glass
and witness
the beauty that is us

mansfield

i miss my hometown but i think you look a little bit like it
when you make that squinty face

you have been very sad before
remind yourself that you have been very sad many times before and you were fine.

let me be alone then let me be alone

i will eventually find safety
outside arms
outside bedrooms
wont be shaking
but spreading out
unified in all directions
outside arms

queen of the flies

it takes all my energy to hold still
i feel so tiny when im trying not to bother you
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ive been making your head ring for months now maybe
cant stop thinking queen of the flies queen of the flies queen of the flies

Dear Mr. God,

thank god tonight
that my mistakes have gone unnoticed
but hopefully tomorrow
(i pray) ill be
more graceful

i will lick up the salt

we are feeling sweeter than fruit, but not as sweet as sugar in its purest form
we are falling harder, there is something about the winter
that brings a religious loyalty
a stone cold devotion.

I think im realistic!

maybe

i need to follow everything i say with a maybe

most mornings i eat eggs

sleeping in is something i stopped doing forever ago.
it is natural to rise with the sun
and eat eggs.
i make them with extra salt. and ketchup.
they become not eggs

in my bedroom, eating alone
it is a massacre
sitting naked on the floor i let my gut hang over
and try not to think about anything, especially not masturbating
i know that eventually ill have to leave my room
there is too much weight, too much
to dream of pubic hair
and the clitoris

eggs themselves are depressing really
they may be the root of my problem

im actively waiting for winter

-=0-0-

my heart shrinks
when i am not enough for you
i wish for my heart to grow deeper and wider
like an ocean
i would be filled




i get filled up with wanting what you have
i get filled up with mean reds
i want you to forget what it feels like to laugh
when i see you laughing i can think of nothing else


girls

i want to write things mostly that will make us feel uncomfortable
but id rather give you nice things
like a melting popsicle in the middle of july
and boys in ray bans wearing premium denim

the reason we wont use the word love anymore

in the city
you always walk twice as fast as me
i try to enjoy falling far behind you
even though its lonely
i make myself feel better by imagining that i will be kidnapped
and maybe even killed
and then youll feel real sorry
im grinning like a cat when you look over you shoulder
my smile makes you aggressive
you ask whats so funny?
i tell you i dont think we should talk about why im smiling
you look like a real person to me for a second
but my vision goes soft and i forget why
i say its more of a how than a why anyway
and do we ever smile at the same time anymore?
you are driven crazy when i talk like this
you tell me you dont believe the things I say
and you know that i dont mean them

tuesdays

jeff tells me to chill out
on the way to store
im anxious when i cant find my keys
and then my shoes are also hiding
creating leather echo systems
in my crunchy car

the baby bugs hatch and scoot around
nibbling on leftover chinese take-out
learning how to use their wings
they are on jeffs shoes
then out the window
I run through a red light
i look over and he doesnt notice
with my hand on the volume dial
im telling him
you have to hear this song
mhmm

we are constantly expanding
and spreading out messy ideas
like spilled milk shaped like
chess pieces
and the maple seeds that spin down
and get picked up again

Madonna understands
how a prayer carries weight
she knows how women get desperate for impact
and fall into the water
dress curling up around us like squid
holding in a breath
until it hurts.
She knows that women go very cold
like statues in the garden at midnight
we cannot feel the wind.

.

I awake to the wild fly
humming ferociously
near my sleepy left ear
quickly
I must catch it
to harvest
fly pancakes for breakfast
and maybe if i eat enough of them
ill grow those many little octogonal eyes
you know those eyes that flys got
you know like those 'kaleidoscope' eyes?

I quit.

people are not supportive
they would rather ask
why are you doing that
than how can I help


I'm sorry for ever trying to give us something nice. I just wanted us to do something nice.

It is so hard not to write about yourself.
Is it even possible?

I think I'm going to be sick.

I am about to go to my first business finance class. My first class of the summer.
I will show up to every class on time. I will do all of my homework.
I will try super hard to like the professor.
I will also try not to immediately judge or feel judged by my business finance peers.
I am wearing my favorite fancy snake skin wedge heels.
I can do this. I can do this



EDIT:
check out this really cool email I just got from my landlord.

"The condition of the apt is interfering with our normal conduct of business because it is such sea of clutter, not to mention filth, including the cookstove.

If this persists we will be forced to take action to have it made presentable. The fire dept could possibly condemn it as a fire hazard, with all the clutter strewn around.

PLEASE GET IT INTO DECENT, SHOW-ABLE CONDITION. It is pointless for us to continue to show the apt in the condition it's in, which is directly interferes with our business, which we obviously cannot allow to continue indefinitely.

We do not expect it to be perfect but the conditions now are grossly unacceptable. We will inspect the apt again, soon, and will photograph the conditions as we find them, for use in court, if necessary. You will be properly notified of the inspection beforehand.

Your cooperation is essential to the normal conduct of our business.


Noel and Nancy Blankenship"

Uggghhh

the way christmas lights make me feel in the summer

wet grass makes for itchy feet
in the extra grumpy evening.
hearing the plugs popping in and out of amps
the noise familiar as the air conditioner now
thoughts of money, constant thoughts of money
as i put the cigarette back into the pack
unlit
the summer is
absent mostly
from champagne mornings
i'm waiting still for someone to pinch me

When you can't find your own words steal someone else's.

"I Feel Horrible. She Doesn't

I feel horrible. She doesn't
love me and I wander around
the house like a sewing machine
that's just finished sewing
a turd to a garbage can lid."

its just glitter dude

get the star
you have to get the star first
im getting the star man
wanna go back to your house soon
ya sure
can we smoke first
ya sure

waking up in the morning next to you, unclothed
what did darken the night before?
i let myself forget
now we are both smiling
lets not jinx it

god went digital
and the whole time we were busy picking our nose.
we didn't even notice!

my roommate cleaned the house today
this makes me feel bad
I'm saying
why don't we just throw away everything?
embrace in empty rooms
and pretend we had never disturbed the space at all

you

I'm covered in gooseflesh
can't stop thinking about my "ulterior motive"
two people can talk themselves into believing anything
and you are wild eyed across from me
us, talking about our various diseases
and the distance that we travel to relate
us, bouncing off each other
pretending that we are sure of one thing
and then saying another
feeling crazy
like if you dared to touch me
i might scream
in the middle of the restaurant
in the middle of the night
us, passing judgement on them
whoever they are, because they wouldn't understand
us, aware, awake, allied
in the parking lot
in the theater

Now

I was listed as a reference by a person that used to mean a lot to me
and when the 1-800 number called I told the truth
that boy was a bad person
and i want to ruin his life.

yup.

do you know?

do you know how I love
it is completing
and easier than I remember
a million times it has been in front of me
between the spaces in my kitchen
with every misplaced credit card
and avocado pit that I have thrown away
but now
aware of my surroundings
I just want to make you comfortable
and baby its so simple

check check

what does it mean
to obsess?
because I'm pretty sure I'm obsessing.

The pet stores closing

Anyways we bought two siamese fighting fish for 6 dollars
Gunther and Coco were half price
but they didn't fight, total rip off

the other night one did jump onto the counter though
and my roommate blamed me
as if i had dumped it out of the water and left it on the counter?
i was pretty drunk when we discovered it but i think his exact words were
"YOU FRIED IT!"

I did not fry it alex. i mean come on!

Cereal mornings

we play grown up
unfolding newspapers at the breakfast table
there is Haiti, Obama, and Ipads
but I know you really only like the crossword puzzles

missed connection

I was scared of you at first
you jumped me with a hug
I felt
thick platform victorious secret boots
balancing dark hair, dark eyes, dark little smirks
you were my j.lo
we walked to the black and white video store
you grabbed a copy of Eraserhead
laying belly down on the mattress in an empty room
reassuring me
you would be a great director soon
I wonder where you are now
I always felt like you had something i didn't
like you were a weed breaking up through the city's pavement

Nobody is happier than me.

"the trouble weve seen"

I will listen to you
the entire night
and chain smoke
only if necessary
sniveling, running water
from my deep deep bathroom sink
its swallowing
what nobody knows

In the sweetest voice possible
you told me
some girls just can't hold their liquor
well
every day since I've been holding it
waiting out
like its the hot commodity
to be sold on corners of blake street and high

When I've saved up enough
I will sell it
to the arab cigarette dealer
that made comments about my ass
in a foreign language
he assumed we couldn't understand

Greeting Card

She never really liked the stars
what others described as sites of beauty forged by balls of burning gas.
She took more pride in the fire flies in her own back yard
they were just as beautiful and much more unpredictable.