im actively waiting for winter

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my heart shrinks
when i am not enough for you
i wish for my heart to grow deeper and wider
like an ocean
i would be filled




i get filled up with wanting what you have
i get filled up with mean reds
i want you to forget what it feels like to laugh
when i see you laughing i can think of nothing else


girls

i want to write things mostly that will make us feel uncomfortable
but id rather give you nice things
like a melting popsicle in the middle of july
and boys in ray bans wearing premium denim

the reason we wont use the word love anymore

in the city
you always walk twice as fast as me
i try to enjoy falling far behind you
even though its lonely
i make myself feel better by imagining that i will be kidnapped
and maybe even killed
and then youll feel real sorry
im grinning like a cat when you look over you shoulder
my smile makes you aggressive
you ask whats so funny?
i tell you i dont think we should talk about why im smiling
you look like a real person to me for a second
but my vision goes soft and i forget why
i say its more of a how than a why anyway
and do we ever smile at the same time anymore?
you are driven crazy when i talk like this
you tell me you dont believe the things I say
and you know that i dont mean them

tuesdays

jeff tells me to chill out
on the way to store
im anxious when i cant find my keys
and then my shoes are also hiding
creating leather echo systems
in my crunchy car

the baby bugs hatch and scoot around
nibbling on leftover chinese take-out
learning how to use their wings
they are on jeffs shoes
then out the window
I run through a red light
i look over and he doesnt notice
with my hand on the volume dial
im telling him
you have to hear this song
mhmm

we are constantly expanding
and spreading out messy ideas
like spilled milk shaped like
chess pieces
and the maple seeds that spin down
and get picked up again

Madonna understands
how a prayer carries weight
she knows how women get desperate for impact
and fall into the water
dress curling up around us like squid
holding in a breath
until it hurts.
She knows that women go very cold
like statues in the garden at midnight
we cannot feel the wind.